Block Party/Transcript
Brent Leroy: Wow, a banner. They're really pullin' out all the stop. Hank Yarbo: All this 100th year anniversary stuff is nuts. And someone else is sayin' the Centennial's comin' up too. Brent: And then there's a tenth of a millennium party. Hank: I'm all stressed about this anniversary contest thingy. I mean, I have to write a poem? Brent: You don't have to, it's an option. You can write a poem. Well, one can write a poem. But if you were one, I wouldn't. Hank: Why not? Brent: You use the word "thingy," for one thingy. Hank: Maybe I should write a song or or do a painting or somethin'. Man, all the good stuff's been done. Brent: Well, if all the good stuff's been done, that kinda leaves your niche wide open. Hank: Yeah. Thanks, Brent. Always there to pick me up. Wanda Dollard: One hundred years. Whoopty-do. It's a number. What does it signify? Emma Leroy: That the town's a hundred? Brent: She's got ya there. Wanda: It's arbitrary. Why not 102 or 97? 97's a number isn't it? Brent: She's got ya there. Wanda: You turn 38, no big deal. You turn 40, it's some stupid milestone. Who cares? Emma: This may be a shot in the dark but do you have a birthday comin up? Wanda: Yeah. But who cares? Brent: Check out the new nickel. The Queen has a different hat. Emma: It's called a crown. Brent: Well, I don't move in those circles. Wanda: I don't want you doing anything special for my birthday. Brent: You got it, or don't got it in this case. Wanda: I hate this birthday stuff, seriously. Emma: Okay. Wanda: No, seriously. Brent: Seriously, okay. Wanda: Seriously. Davis Quinton: Hey, the provincial horseshoe champ's coming to this thing. Nice celeb. Karen Pelly: Are you really excited, or are you being sarcastic? Davis: I don't know. Give me some time. Lacey Burrows: Grown men throwing a chunk of metal. How's that even a sport? Karen: Hey, getting to the top of any sport is difficult. Making it to the top five nearly killed me. Davis: You were a horseshoe champ? Karen: No, not horseshoes. Lacey: What? Karen: It was a long time ago. I don't like to talk about it. Davis: Was it hang gliding? Karen: No. Hang gliding is your first guess? Lacey: Top five in the province. That's pretty good. Karen: In the country, actually. Lacey: You competed nationally? That is so cool. Karen: I know. Davis: Was it steeplechase? Lacey: Karen, this is impressive. Did you know about this? Davis: A good cop knows everything about his partner. Lacey: Did you know about it? Davis: Was it Roller Derby? Hank: Okay, try and guess. Brent: What? Hank: My idea, try and guess. Wanda: Um, is it something stupid? Brent: Warmer. Hank: For the tribute contest, I'm gonna make an exactly accurate scale model of Dog River, using Lego blocks. Brent: Wow. When you said all the good ideas were taken, you weren't kidding. Wanda: What's he talking about? Hank: It's my tribute to the town. You know, a sculptor uses clay, a poet uses words... Wanda: An idiot uses Lego blocks. Brent: Are they blocks or bricks? Because blocks don't have those points on them. Hank: They're not called points, they're called nubs. Wanda: Nub taken. Hank: So, uh, anyway, can I borrow your Lego blocks, uh, bricks, whatever? Brent: Hank, we've been over this before. Once again, the answer is no. Hank: When did we go over this? Brent: When we were seven. I see no reason to change my policy. Emma: Here you go, Hank. I have two more pails in the trunk. Brent: My nubby brickblocks. If you already had them lined up, why did ya ask? Hank: Courtesy, pity, had some time to kill, a whole host of reasons, really. Brent: Mom, you can't just give away my old toys. Emma: You haven't played with those things in months. Karen: It's not a big deal. I just don't want to talk about it. Davis: Partners don't keep secrets from each other. Batman doesn't keep secrets from Robin. Karen: Are you saying if we're Batman and Robin, I'm Batman? Davis: Dream on. I'm Batman. Karen: But you just said Batman doesn't keep secrets, and I was keepin' a secret. So... Davis: What goes for Batman goes for Robin. Try and keep up. Oscar Leroy: Hey, Jackasses. Where the hell have you been? I wanna file a complaint. Davis: Hey, Oscar. If you were a nationally ranked athlete, would you keep it a secret from your friends? Oscar: I don't know. What sport? Davis: I don't know. She won't say. Oscar: Probably one of the embarrassing ones, like that stupid gymnastics thing where you run around with ribbons. Davis: Hey, that's really hard. Karen: It's not rhythmic gymnastics. Davis: It's a beautiful sport, graceful. Oscar: Why did ya quit, drugs? Karen: Look, it's a chapter of my past. I gave it up to become a cop, and I'd appreciate it if we'd change the subject. Please. Oscar: Probably drugs. Davis: They're not just plain old ribbons, you know? They're sporting equipment. Brent: Fifth in the country? Oscar: She's been keeping it secret. But I got the inside scoop. Brent: What sport? Oscar: I don't know. Brent: When did she quit? Oscar: Not sure. Brent: Yeah, you've really got your ear to the ground. Oscar: I know she quit because of drugs. A lot of pressure in the world of whatever it was. Brent: Oh, quiet. Here she comes. Karen: What? Oscar: Nothin'. Just shootin' the breeze. Wanda: It's not you. I know what's going on. Those two are up to something because of what day it is. Brent: Friday? Wanda: Right. More like Lie-day. Hank: Hey, guys. Wanda: And Hank just happens to show up. Not too convenient. Have a nice "Fib-day." Hank: What's a fig day? Oscar: You know, fig day. What's she talking about? Brent: I don't know. Hey, what was your sport? Karen: I don't want to talk about it. Brent: Come on. Karen: You think saying "come on" like that's gonna make me tell you? Brent: It might, if I say it enough. Come on! Wanda: This is exactly the kinda thing I hate, seriously. Lacey: What? Wanda: I told Brent not to turn today into a big deal. Lacey: Oh, well, he does love his Fridays. Wanda: So you're in on it too? I hate this. Now Hank's over there schemin' with the rest of them. Lacey: Hank's there? Wanda: Yes. Wink, wink. Lacey: Aren't you supposed to wink when you say that? Wanda: Well, I guess you'd know. Wink, wink. Lacey: Okay. Well, good luck with that Friday thing you hate. Wanda: Oh, yeah, that is better. Brent: Come on! Karen: All right, fine. It's an aquatic event. Okay? Brent: Wow. I didn't think that would actually work. Hank: Aquatic. So swimming? Karen: No. You guys are gonna make fun of me. Oscar: Diving. What does that leave? Hank: Water polo. Brent: Come on! Karen: Okay. It's static apnea. It's an aquatic event where you go under water and hold your breath. Hank: Then what? Karen: Well, that's it. Whoever holds their breath the longest wins. Oscar: That's even stupider than the thing with the ribbons. Lacey: Hey, guys, what's so funny? Brent: We just found out that Karen played in a freak sport. Karen: At a national level. Wanda: Psst. Okay, here comes Wanda. She said she didn't want a surprise party, but let's throw her one anyway. Okay, fine. Open up the box. Let's get it over with. Lacey: Oh, right. Hank, I found these Lego blocks at my place when I moved in. Hank: Awesome. Thanks. Wanda: I thought you were getting me a birthday cake. Oscar: Don't hold your breath. Brent: Yeah, that's Karen's thing. Brent: Well, no horseshoes. But they're still renaming Main Street. Lacey: Centennial Street. I think it's a mistake. Emma: You can't stop the 100th anniversary juggernaut. Lacey: Doesn't that sit wrong with you? Emma: Not really. Change is good. Lacey: I mean using the word juggernaut. Brent: I like juggernaut. It's like an astronaut, only with jugs. Emma: The point is, every town has a Main Street. No one really cares if we change it. Mayor, Circa 1905: And so today we dedicate the town's biggest street to Dog River's founder, Harold Main. Your name will live in this town forever. Lacey: Ah, you're right. Who cares? Emma: Gotta love a juggernaut. Brent: That word's making me uncomfortable now. Karen: Hey, Lacey. Still got any chicken soup? Lacey: Ah, lotsa soup. So breathe easy. Or don't. Brent: Come on, be nice. Hey, how long could you hold your breath, anyway? Karen: Six minutes. Brent: See? She broke the gender barrier. Normally to float there that long, you'd have to be a buoy, a bu-oy. Karen: I'm gonna sit somewhere else. Lacey: Aw. Feel to float, from table to table. Emma: For about six minutes. Brent: Geez, six minutes? Hank: Eight block, red. Brent: Geez, you sure got a lot of this stuff. Hank: Yeah. I called in some favours. Brent: Who owes you a favour? Hank: Well, I, I called in some of your favours. What? This whole thing was your idea. Four block, grey. This is an eight block. Where's your head at, Brent? This is a load bearing wall. Brent: Sor-ry. Ah, it's Handszilla. He's wearing a watch. That's 'cause it's time to kick your house down. Hank: Okay, that's it. You gotta go. Brent: What? You're kickin' me out? This whole thing was my idea. Hank: Just go out, out, out. I've got a lotta work to do. Brent: Work. You're playin' with blocks. Hank: Fine, belittle my art. Brent: It was belittled to start with. It was prelittled. It's leaving, the Giant Hand. Goodbye everybody. Oscar: Hey, I remembered what I wanted to complain about before. Karen: Isn't that terrific. Wanda: Ah, go ahead, Oscar. Anything you say to Karen is confidential. She won't breathe a word. Lacey: Ah-ha. Pow. Wanda: Hey, the pow's my thing. Oscar: What are ya powing? Oh, because she's in the freak sport, floating around underwater. How do ya stand it? Lacey: How do the spectators? Wanda: Pow. Karen: For the record, you slow your heart rate down, enter a near comatose state. Lacey: Oh. My heart rate's slowin' down just hearin' about it. Wanda: Powathon. Oscar: Hey. Aw, hell. Now I forget the complaint thing. Wanda: Gee, she can actually slow her heart rate? Oscar: Another zinger. Davis: Hey, I heard you were running low on Lego blocks. Hank: Yeah, this is the last in town. Davis: Well, I'm here to help. Introducing Officer Karen and Sergeant Davis. Hank: You're not exactly to scale. Davis: Ah, the, the hat makes me look big. Now, here's what I had in mind for the police station. Hank: The police station doesn't have a helicopter pad. And is that a laser turret? Davis: This isn't about what the police station is. It's about what it could be. Hank: I'm sorry, Davis, but it's, it's gotta be accurate. Davis: Fine. But if we get a helicopter, no rides for you. Lacey: Okay, Wes, here's your bill. And if it seems a little high, please feel free to air a complaint. Oh. Wes Humboldt: What? Lacey: Oh, I'm sorry. It's a, it's a bad habit. I'll see ya tonight? Wanda: Why? What's tonight? Lacey: Oh, nothing. Wanda: Fine. You guys have a good time at your "nothing" party. I can't believe everyone's making such a big deal about my birthday. Emma: Sometimes you just have to roll with things. If people make a fuss over you, it just shows they care. Wanda: That's sweet of you. Emma: Oh, I don't care, but others might. Lacey: Nice weather, eh, Karen? Breathtaking. Wanda: Lay off, Lacey. Brent: Yeah. She can hold her breath for like six minutes. That's over five minutes. That's almost seven minutes. Karen: Wait for it. Wanda: Wait for what? Karen: I thought someone was gonna make fun of me. Lacey: Oh, can I? Brent: No. Wanda: You know, I used to think it was a freak sport, but then I realized it's actually really hard, and freakish. Hey, can you show us? Karen: No. Brent: We promise not to make fun of you. Karen: No! Lacey: Oh, okay. We promise to make fun of you. Karen: I'm gettin' a drink. Lacey: I was trying a different tack. Wanda: Bad tack. All: Surprise! Wanda: Oh, guys, no! I told you, I hate this stuff. Davis: Oh, it's you. Get out of the way. All: Surprise! Happy Birthday, Wes. Wes: Aw, you guys! Wanda: Glad this isn't for me. I, I'm serious. Hank: Hey, Brent. Brent: Hey, Hank. How's your Lego thing comin'? Hank: Ah, I'm workin' too hard. I feel like I'm gonna snap. Wanda: You do look a little pale, actually yellow. Hank: Oh, man. My head fell off. Brent: It's over there by the pirate. Pirate: Aaahrr-rrrrr! Hank: I gotta get back to work on the bricks. Brent: Hey, Dad. Who me? Oh, same old, same old. Oscar: A new record, three minutes. I'm not breathing. Brent: You know, static apnea means not breathing through your nose either. Oscar: What? That's impossible. Wanda: Great. I finally figure out a way to keep Oscar quiet and you come and blow it. Oscar: Way to go, Jackass. Wanda: Yeah, Jackass. Oscar: Jackass is my thing! Brent: Has Wanda seemed grouchy to you lately, er, grouchier? Lacey: More grumpy than grouchy, cranky. Brent: Crabby too. Not in a crotchety way, but testy. Lacey: Huffy even. Brent: Exactly. Meldiforous. No, I think that means somethin' else. Lacey: You wanna know what I think? Brent: I'm not just here for the synonyms. Lacey: I think Wanda's upset that Wes's party wasn't for her. Brent: But she's always goin' on about how she hates birthdays. Lacey: I know. All I'm saying is that when we were leaving the bar, she seemed miffed. Brent: Miffed or peeved? Lacey: Oh, please stop. Davis: How do you train for that? Karen: For what? Davis: Holding your breath. Karen: You hold your breath. Davis: Oh. When I was a kid, I was good at cartwheels. But I never turned pro, not like you. Karen: Oh, I, I was never pro. I mean you can't turn pro for static apnea. Davis: Yeah? Hmm, cartwheels either. So are you gonna show me? Karen: No. Davis: Come on, I wanna see you enter a near comatose state. Karen: I was close when you were talking about cartwheels there. Oh, here he is. Okay, Oscar, here's a form. Carry it around with you. When you remember what your complaint was, fill it out. Oscar: Who cares about that? I wanna see the apnea. And no breathing through your nose. Hank: Well, just under the wire, but I got it done. Brent: It is impressive. Let's wreck it. Hank: What? Brent: Sorry, I just had an urge. Well, it sure is Lego-ey. Hank: Yeah. 4,558 pieces, accurate to the last detail. Brent: Except for the shed behind Town Hall. Hank: What? Oh! Brent: Well, it's no biggie. Just add a shed. Hank: I can't. I ran out of blocks. This whole town's dry. Brent: Maybe you can build a shed out of Tinkertoys. Hank: Tinkertoys? What planet are you from? Brent: Sorry. Just let me knock over the water tower. Hank: No! Oscar: Come on, stick your head in the bucket. You can do it. Karen: Go away, Oscar. Oscar: I believe in you. Karen: I'm not doing it. Oscar: You just need a little encouragement. AP-NEE-YA! AP-NEE-YA! AP-NEE-YA! AP-NEE-YA! AP-NEE-YA! AP-NEE-YA! Brent: Well, maybe no one will notice. Hank: Are you kidding? I'll become a laughing stock. Brent: That's right, "become." When have you ever been any other kinda stock? Hank: You know, I'll overcome this. All great artists overcome adversity. Brent: Actually, most of them go nuts, lop off an ear or two. Hank: Lop off my ear? Some help you are. Brent: Well, at least I don't overlook sheds, ya shed overlooker. Hank: Back in business. Oscar: Closing down Main Street for a stupid party! Emma: It's called Centennial Street. Oscar: Whose idea was this? Now we're stuck here. Emma: If you were against the idea, you should have filed a complaint. Oscar: Oh, hell. Where's my form? Hank: And it's 100% accurate. Now. Brent: Pyromaniac. Hank: Ah, it's just a shed. No one's gonna miss it. Harold Main: The first structure of the new town. Some day a fine community will grow from this shed. Brent: Yeah, you're right, stupid shed. Hank: Hate that shed. Hank: Okay, Ladies and Gentlemen, a hundred years of Dog River culminates in this! Lacey: Come quick! Karen's doing her apnea thing! Brent: Is it static? Lacey: Is it ever! Hank: Wait! No, no, no! Hey, Lego Dog River is static too, you know? All: AP-NEE-YA, AP-NEE-YA! AP-NEE-YA, AP-NEE-YA! Brent: How did ya talk her into it? Davis: Money. She finally went pro. All: Surprise! Wanda: Oh, you guys! How many times did I tell you? Oh! Hey! Brent: Nice job on the party. Lacey: Aw, I didn't do anything. Brent: Don't be modest. This is really nice. Lacey: No. I literally didn't do anything. I thought you organized this. Brent: Me, organize? I had my shoes on the wrong feet till noon. Paul: Hey, I couldn't get the strawberry cake Wanda ordered, so I went with the chocolate. Is she okay with that? Lacey: Hmm. Brent: Oh, she's sly. Lacey: Wily even, cunning. Brent: But in a guileful way. Wanda: Honestly, this is so embarrassing. I hate this birthday stuff, seriously. Category:Transcripts